4 Essential Steps In Dealing With Infidelity
So your worst fears have been realized. He has divulged the horrid details of how he was unfaithful to you. You heard him talking (as in a bad dream), sobbed uncontrollably, tried to understand, blamed yourself, and wept some more…and have finally come to the decision of forgiving his infidelity. But you do not want him to think that your forgiveness means that you are giving him permission to continue cheating on you. Dealing with infidelity requires 3 key character changes from him and 1 from you;
1. Owning up to the poor conduct! The 1st step to forgiving infidelity is that he has to confess that what he did was wrong. Dealing with infidelity necessitates that he admits that his action was not right and that he made the wrong decision doing what he did. He cannot skim over it or diminish it otherwise genuine forgiveness will be aborted at the beginning. He cannot blame his partner in crime or the body revealing clothes that she wears. He is not a robot but he has decision making capabilities and he is obligated to acknowledge this and that his judgement was faulty. Nothing just happens….betrayal is not a one step event…a man goes through a process in order to get to that stage. Attraction to someone does just happen … but unfaithfulness entails acting on that attraction and keenly hunting for the recipient of your fascination (with the full knowledge that you have made a commitment to someone else ) and making contact with her and pursuing her further to the point of no return (from infidelity). Never, ever (ever!) believe the “things just happened” myth. It minimizes his role in the whole sordid mess and makes him look like a victim which without doubt he is not. And how do you forgive someone who isn’t even to blame?
2. Truly apologetic! Dealing with infidelity involves your man being really apologetic about his odious acts. The nature of this remorse will make him elect to never do this again. This is usually the hardest step for a woman to get right. Women have easily assumed that a man was sorry about his disgusting behavior when he was only remorseful that he had been caught. Women truly want to believe their man at this point and are inclined to fall for even what is without doubt a feeble act of contrition. Be real with yourself and when your instinct tells you that he is not really remorseful then you you can suggest that you both seek professional help.
3. About turn! It is critical that he comes to the decision that he will never walk the path of unfaithfulness again…ever! And he must safe guard your relationship so that he is never unfaithful again. He must bear with you being nosy and asking him questions about all the things that make you anxious about in his daily activities. He live as transparently as possible and give you his daily calendar so that you can know with reasonable accurateness where he is at all times. In order for him to merit your confidence all over again you must agree on certain things that he must adhere to….so that as he demonstrates his trustworthiness your, confidence in him can take root.
4. Give him a fair chance! As expected you will be on high alert and you will be mistrustful about any woman you see him with but forgiving infidelity requires you to be reasonable and not suffocate him. Keep your wits about you and don’t act crazy when he comes within a foot of any attractive woman. But hold him answerable for the things that he said he would do, to gain your confidence.
Forgiving infidelity is a joint effort and if one of you renegades on their part then authentic forgiveness cannot occur. If your relationship continues with infidelity unsettled (or only partially settled) it will be like living with an open wound that you repeatedly poke at. You will hurt continuously and all the joy of living will be drained from you! Your self respect will disintegrate and your whole outlook on life will get gradually more negative; and hostility and resentment, will take a hold in you.
