Breakup Avoidance in Three Easy Steps
Few things in life are as unpleasant as a breakup. There's more than enough pain to go around, and things are said that can never be withdrawn. Breakups rarely leave friendly relationships in their wake – the residue of a breakup can be every bit as acrimonious as that of a nasty divorce. One of the most tragic of circumstances is when a couple breaks up even when they still love each other, but must separate because of circumstances or the violent ups and downs of their relationship.
It's easy to tell when a long-term relationship is on the rocks. There's something missing, always, in the environment – the gentle banter of conversation at the table and in the home, even when they're each involved in different activities. Each always seems to be too busy to accompany the other. The level of stress between them is tangible.
Of course, there's no longer any physical intimacy between them – that's usually one of the first victims of an imminent breakup. Even eye contact is avoided – neither seems to want to acknowledge the other. Even when both are at home, it's a cold and lonely place.
Both parties in the relationship know there's trouble – if a stranger in the home can see it, of course they're aware. If they want to repair and restore the relationship, the first thing they've got to do is sit down together and honestly confront their problems together. It takes a while for a relationship to go bad, and it takes a while to restore it. This sit-down shouldn't be expected to solve the problems: in fact, it's a productive conversation if the outcome is that the couple agrees to try to save their relationship.
After this conversation together, each needs to have a conversation with themselves. "Do I care enough about the other to work to beat our problems?" All other questions, like "Have we properly identified the problem(s)?" are subservient – the only reason to preserve the relationship is because of the feelings each must have for the other. Without such care, why bother trying to rescue the relationship?
If, in their hearts, they both want to save the relationship, it's time to start talking about the specific problems they're encountering and working out solutions. This is problem-solving time. You're considering present and the future, and to get tangled up assigning blame (or the current buzzword, "accountability") means giving up the future for the past. Stay focused on solving your problems realistically – never commit to a course of action you cannot live up to – that's a betrayal of the trust the other has placed in the relationship and in you.
The second step is something you set about as soon as the first step is well underway – while you're identifying and solving problems, discuss also your hopes and dreams – and how they might have changed since you first got together. Make new good memories together. If commonality of interest isn't found, yet there's a deep and lasting affection between you two, don't struggle to find the common ground. Yours is likely a relationship built on complementary interests, and should flourish as long as that affection thrives.
Finally, keep your eye on the prize – restoring your relationship and making it even better than it was before. Keep on communicating – falling back into the old habit of not communicating will drag you down into the same rut. And if you need help, don't be ashamed, go ahead and ask for it! Other than death, there's no problem in human relationships that a couple in love is unable to solve together. As time passes and you grow increasingly accustomed to regularly communicating candidly and openly, these problems will never multiply and grow to the point where they threaten your relationship, and you'll realize that this crisis in your relationship was actually the best thing that ever happened to it.
If you found this article helpful and would like to discover more ways to improve your relationship, also check out Stop a Breakup, Mending a Broken Heart, and What is Second Chance Romance.
