Divorce from a Child's Perspective
My parents have been divorced a total of 4 times. My step-parents have new spouses, so it works out into an odd step-step-parent combination. There have been 'amicable' divorces, 'apathetic' divorces, and 'loud angry fights in the front yard' divorces in my life. I could manage and get out of all my experiences, which were invariably bitter. I will describe my own experiences so that you or your child will hopefully see that divorce is as much a new beginning as it is an end.
Firstly, there aren't such things as amicable divorces. No one is so amicable with their spouse that they want to be divorced. Acknowledging this tension and lack of being involved in love was one of the toughest things I ever saw my mother do. The difficult part was recognizing that you could stop loving someone without having to start hating him or her. It is too common nowadays that individuals come to hate one another instead of acknowledging that they are simply no longer in love and are able to move on with an amicable divorce. This kind is often brought about by a type of conflict which the party's may forgive yet not forget. There as many similarities between the amicable and the apathetic divorce.
Apathetic divorce is another frightening and touchy subject. A child who is witnessing a marriage coming to a sad end is frequently also a child who believes the marriage's demise is their fault. In my personal experience, this particular type of divorce is the toughest to cope with. Your parents' relationship starts to fall apart little by little right before your eyes, and there is absolutely nothing whatsoever that you can do to make it whole again. Helping a child understand this point can be extremely difficult, but it is vital: sometimes people grow apart, and it's not anyone else's fault.
Although it seems the most hurtful, the third kind of divorce was actually the least difficult kind I experienced. While they were still extremely unsettling and traumatic, the issues were at least out in the open, not smoldering and invoking a sense of a bomb waiting to go off. Having known that something disastrous is going to happen to you and anticipating it helplessly is more painful that gathering after it has struck you. Keep your children uninvolved in any arguments, but make sure that they understand the reason that people face divorce, if the rift is caused by any sort of abuse, this must be discussed and shown to be unhealthy behavior.
Every child will experience and cope with divorce in his or her own way. In spite of my upbringing was done in hardly the perfect atomic family, I become adaptable to changes in my life as that fluidity helped me a lot.
When parents try to stay together and pretend everything is ok, rare are the children fooled. Often, children are aware of tension before the spouses even acknowledge it to themselves.
Therapy, or some sort of support group is very helpful. It was convenient for me to approach friends, have good time with extended family, and be very alive in my church and extracurricular undertakings to keep my life constant. The stress of the conflict and possibility of divorce is equally hard on both the parents and the children.
Finally, this is from my personal experience, and the experiences of my siblings and family members who have survived divorce relatively intact. There are no cut-and-dried answers when dealing with this traumatic event, providing the best interests of the child is foremost. Your guilt of a failed marriage could be felt by your children also. Be open with them, but don't burden them with concepts that may be beyond them. Divorce is not the end of the world, but it can certainly feel like it.
If you want more information, you can learn more about my experience as an experienced Austin Texas family law lawyer. You should also watch the free seminar about divorce in Austin at www.AustinDivorceHelp.com. Divorce doesn't have to be a disaster. Learn how a collaborative divorce attorney in Austin can guide you through the divorce process with dignity.
