How To Stop Emotional Abuse In Marriage
Too many times in life, there is a friction between us and others, and a deep sense of frustration when our basic emotional needs are not being met. Sometimes, though, we find ourselves talking to a person who surprises us. We exchange needs, desires, and negotiate positive solutions calmly. Amazed, we think to ourselves, "Why haven't they talked to me like this before? If they had only told me what it was they needed, I could have given it to them!”
How does that exchange of needs and satisfaction begin? With assertion! Assertion is a fine art in which you state clearly what you want, need, and deserve.
This ability is essential for if you want to stop emotional abuse in marriage. Unhealthy alternatives to assertion are:
1.Submission – catering to the whims and desires of other people while putting yours on the back burner. This happens if you accept disrespectful treatment from a loved one for some time, and breeds deep resentment;
2. Aggression – forcing your needs on another person without their agreement.
Both are lose-lose options, meaning that both sides, even the “winning” one will get less from the relationship. Anger and resentment – not respect or love – are the products of these options.
The proper way to assert your needs and desires is this:
1.Ask yourself, "Which attitudes and behaviors bother me the most? Why?". One example of clearly hostile behavior is when he/she does not speak to you in front of your friends. What actions and attitudes would you like to see instead? Acceptance, care, attention? Be clear on what you want.
2. You need to define the behavioral change that you need from this person or to set limits with someone whose behavior is unacceptable or hurtful to you.
3.Never deny yourself personal rights and dignity, and stand firm in the belief that no one should be allowed to take them from you.
How does assertion work?
1. Begin describing the negative behavior in clear words:
“When you make jokes about my cooking in front of my friends, as you did last night at Alice’s party…”
2. State the impact on you:
“I feel put down and unappreciated.”
3. Declare that you want a change and to agree to making the change:
“Remember that we are each other’s support system and we don’t criticize the other in public.”
If you want to stop emotional abuse in marriage in a healthy way, remember that your purpose is not to blame, but to deliver information about the impact of the behavior. Avoid putting blame on the other person, which can void the effect of your message; use "I think and feel" instead of "You do this and that".
In emotionally abusive situations, the the victim needs to give the abuser constant feedback about the negative impact of abuse for two reasons. It is information necessary to change, and to building up self-esteem. Assertion is a huge asset in stopping emotional abuse, because it reminds both the victim and the abuser that she deserves equality and respect.
Nora Femenia, Ph.D is passionate about supporting women’s recovery from emotional abuse once and for all. Nora has created a powerful set of tools for helping women break out of the mind-set that keeps them in a toxic relationship by first discovering unconscious beliefs and family blueprints.
To know more about her latest book “Recovering From Emotionally Abusive Relationships” please visit http://www.healingemotionalabuse.com
