Recovering From An Emotionally Abusive Relationship
Being in an emotionally abusive relationship can delude you to what a real, healthy relationship can be like.
To really know if you are in the healthy relationship necessary for your personal growth, look at the human needs we all have, and ask the fundamental question:
How are those needs satisfied through this relationship? Is my partner aware of my needs, and aware of their responsibility in granting my needs satisfaction?
We wish you to see your partnership as a mutual one, in which each person realizes their responsibility to meet needs, and the gravity of denying them. Where will a partner receive security and recognition, if they are not getting it from their spouse? How do you cope with the emotional drainage you experience at giving away all your love and respect without reciprocation? The beginning of an abusive relationship profile emerges here.
We call it abuse when a person uses power to reduce the other person’s will to his/her will, creating a power asymmetry.
We can also call abuse when a person knows that his/her spouse’s basic satisfaction of her needs depends on him providing enough love, connection and recognition as to make her happy, but willingly denies her that satisfaction.
Want to discover more? Here are some basic human needs. If certain ones apply to you, establish from 0 to 5 how much they are satisfied by others (and how much satisfaction you're giving). Are the changes that need to happen apparent?
Basically they are four important groups of human needs, to be only satisfied through the interaction with other human being:
—NEED FOR SECURITY AND CONSISTENCY
- The need for unconditional emotional support.
- The need to express the full emotional and physical breadth of your pain.
- The need for freedom from emotional and physical threats, angry outbursts and rage attacks.
—NEED FOR VARIATION
- The need to have your final decisions accepted.
- The need for encouragement and support when you make decisions different from what others expected.
- The desire to experiment when you want something new, and not be criticised for it.
—NEED FOR LOVE AND CONNECTION
- The need to be heard by the other and to be responded to with respect and acceptance.
- The need to receive a sincere apology for any jokes or actions you find offensive.
- The need to hear requests, not orders.
–NEED FOR RECOGNITION OF YOUR PERSON AS VALUABLE
- The need to have your own view, free from accusation, interrogation and blame..
- The need for basic good will from the others, regardless who you are.
- The need to feel that your ideas and feelings are worth something.
NOW is your time of reckoning….What were your results? Do any of these needs strike you as being unfulfilled? How long ago did you receive (or give) your last compliment, or expression of sincere appreciation?
In some ways, we are better able to understand why silent resentment boils over when an agreement is not respected. What happens then is that each person denies having a real role in giving their partner soul-satisfaction.
Even if your spouse offers no comfort, it is only a question of time before either a friend or stranger shakes you to your core by offering a simple compliment. In essence, a lack of responsible satisfaction denotes denial and abuse.
This is a brave way of evaluating a relationship, but please, ask yourself:
If I don’t get any satisfaction to my needs, am I accepting denigration and abuse instead? Will my self-esteem be uplifted or degraded in this situation? and how can I recover from this emotionally abusive relationship?
Now that you know what is the size and shape of the vacuum left by this empty relationship, look at your needs. How are you going to meet those needs, characteristic of all humans, in a healthy, constructive way? In what ways are you going to take control of satisfying your own needs and going after love, respect, and appreciation in a healthy way?
If you don't take your needs satisfaction into your own hands, it is extremely hard to recover from an emotionally abusive relationship. Before today, the only person they felt they could turn to for satisfaction was a partner who frustrated their needs, and perhaps even took pleasure in denying them. Now, to be able to recover, you need to embrace your starved different aspects and resolve to find nurturing relationships for them.
Nora Femenia, PH.D is passionate about supporting women’s recovery from emotional abuse once and for all. Nora has created a powerful set of tools for helping women break out of the mind-set that keeps them in a toxic relationship by first discovering unconscious beliefs and family blueprints.
To know more about her latest book “Recovering From Emotionally Abusive Relationships” please visit http://www.healingemotionalabuse.com
