Stopping Emotional Abuse
Some people say that romantic love is the bond two people have when their similiar wants and needs join them in unconditional support. We all secretly wish for this love, right?
There is an unstated promise here: "I will love and accept you and you will do the same for me…" It is a promise to treat each other as equals and commit their lives to one another.
However, there are some rumblings of discord in the background. You can hear protests from the gender roles we grew up with; they contradict that equality clause. Who will handle the finances? Who gets to choose what house you live in, and where? Which person accomplishes the final decision making?
In order to stop emotional abuse, we must look at how it starts:
As a marriage progresses, what we see is the slow, painful drawing of battle lines. Is there an equality of power in this marriage? Or is it a traditional marriage, where husbands have the control and woman obey? If this decision is arrived at by means of a healthy conversation, with both agreeing to have a traditional marriage, and both also agreeing to review this decision if need be, there is no cause for alarm.However, this conversation is not always a priority when two people are in love.
As letters from clients tell us, not making time for this conversation can lead to a slow, sneaky imposition of the husband’s control; often through emotional abuse.
What does a husband do to control an unsuspecting wife?
“He tells you what to think and feel and when; then, if you obey, he will reward you with some crumbs of kindness. I was so starved of love and human connection that I would pounce on those crumbs of kindness and then crave my next crumb.”
Those bits of affection are very scarce; emotional abuse dishes out a lonely compliment among a feast of critiques, put downs, ironic negative comments and other controlling expressions.
Slowly this control battle takes over the relationship. The marriage is no longer a tool for reciprocal growth; it is a progressive dis-empowering of one partner, while the other accumulates the decision-making, money, resources and power.
The result is two people who are extremely unhappy. Even when the controlling husband manages to delude himself that things are okay,the isolation, despair and depression of the abused wife can only be ignored for so long. If he is suddenly confronted with the total shock of his wife’s reality, stopping the emotional abuse is usually impossible. Effort and a strong will are required for any woman wanting to eventually heal from emotional abuse.
Abuse and control are real and difficult issues that damage any relationship they come in contact with. Education on issues of respect and parity in marriage can accomplish a lot in stopping emotional abuse, but only if we are willing to work on the side of prevention as well as recovery.
Nora Femenia, Ph.D is passionate about supporting women’s recovery from emotional abuse once and for all. Nora has created a powerful set of tools for helping women break out of the mind-set that keeps them in a toxic relationship by first discovering unconscious beliefs and family blueprints.
To know more about her latest book “Recovering From Emotionally Abusive Relationships” please visit http://www.healingemotionalabuse.com
