Think You Understand Men and How They Communicate?
Trying to understand men and how men think? Ok so here’s something they struggle with: WHY should they communicate? I just know some of you are saying to yourself YES/QUI/SI/MY EXACT POINT! He won’t talk to me.
(Note: This article is part of a larger free training program for understanding me called “What Makes Men Tick”.)
Actually, men DO talk. Listen carefully: Men are speaking a different language! Actually, they are speaking the same language differently.This is what I'm saying.
The Goal of Women in Communication: Connection
When women communicate (outside of the workplace or task settings) they are seeking intimacy. Connection.The opportunity to share their emotions, talk about what is happening for them.What they want and need is for some other person to really, truly "get" what their world feels like.
Think about the classic game girls play as girls: dolls, house (this is changing, of course, in the internet-Xbox-Wii age but still has validity).To understand why women think differently about communication, what were they doing as girls when they played dolls? It’s not to “win”!Their pleasure comes from talking and through that talking making up a world they can live in.So why do girls thrive on playing in smaller play groups than boys? Because it allows them to share what they are thinking and feeling.
The Goal of Men in Communication: Winning the Game
Now…what is the classic game of boys: sports like football, basketball, soccer (to use the American term), etc..Women may find this harsh, but to guys, the reason for playing is so obvious it doesn't need explanation: to win.Talking is for making the game happen effectively. There are rules, points to determine, fouls to call, etc..
Should there be any conflict, it gets resolved quickly and they “move on” and “play the game”.Think back. Ever see boys playing a game discussing their feelings?
Now when those boys grow up, they continue to focus their communication on “playing the game” – except that it is a much bigger and more serious game.This holds true for when men get involved with women, a kind of "game".
So, ladies, you have to understand that in most conversations with you, and ESPECIALLY if the "conversation" is a fight, men are trying to "win" or at least get it done quickly. They are asking themselves: “How do I get this solved / done / over / solved / fixed / solved (did I say solved)?”
Different Styles of Communication: Headlines vs. Fine Print
So if your goal is to get something solved / won / finished, then you look for the shortest route to that objective. So men speak in headlines.They use communication to achieve a goal. It has a function.Men want to accomplish what needs to be accomplished as speedily as possible. That includes doing it with as few words as necessary.”
(Women speak this way also in work situations which call for that kind of communication. It’s just that men do it most of the time on and off the job.)
But if your goal is communing / sharing where you are at, then women use many more words to draw people into their world. Women speak in the fine print.
Ok so here's the conflict for men. They grow up communicating for one purpose–winning/solving/achieving–but enter a relationship with a woman who wants them to communicate for a different purpose–sharing their feelings. Aaagghh! Very uncomfortable for most men.”
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Want to understand men? Go to http://www.what-makes-men-tick.com written by Dr. Sheldon Nix. Dr. Nix not only has a Ph.D. in counseling psychology and 10 years' training in life coaching and small business coaching, but he's been a male for 53 years and is married to a woman who understands him!
